For parents of school-age children, June is often a month of sharp contradictions. We anticipate that sweet summer reprieve from the pressures of our kids’ academic performance and from solving the Rubik’s Cube of having their schedules line up so they don’t have to be in two places at the same time.

There are a lot of great things about summertime, but for kids and adults alike I think the best part is all the potential downtime to just hang out and play. It makes us more creative. And for kids especially, the benefits social and emotional benefits are HUGE. We fantasize about sunny beach days, lazy evenings playing board games on the porch, the smell of barbecue and the warm glow of sunsets. But right on the heels of our first relaxing “out-breath,” panic sets in at the reality of our children’s -- and our own -- boredom and anxiety.

We don’t like it when they gravitate towards their electronics, but we don’t know how to motivate them to put the iPad down and get outside. We arrange the “perfect” lazy morning only to find the siblings bickering incessantly and absolutely refusing to get along. And what about relaxing unstructured time for ourselves? How is it vacation for me?

In recent years, the typical response to the messiness that comes with unstructured time has been to… you guessed it… add structure. So we sign them up for adventure camp or find the best tennis instructor money can buy. For older kids, we have our eye on resume-building with internships, pre-college academic programs, and college-essay-worthy experiences. These are laudable activities and, up to a point, a reasonable way to arrange our kids’ summers.

But research indicates that allowing our kids, and indeed the entire family, to struggle through the transition to truly unstructured time can be critical to building life skills. Children learn decision-making and problem-solving skills, discover new interests of their own, and build important social-emotional skills. According to a recent Pediatrics study, children should have at least 60 minutes of unstructured play each day. When young brains learn to experience boredom and tolerate the frustration it brings, neural pathways can emerge that motivate the brain to “get busy” and “find pleasure.” When parents can provide the safety of a drug-free, computer-game free environment for this kind of exploration, even for an hour per day, then kids are required to find their own adaptive solutions to their own boredom. And families are required to find their own adaptive solutions to the anxiety that can often accompany “free time,” such as the simple pleasures of casual conversation or just being alone with our own thoughts.

Kids today spend less time just playing than they did in previous generations, both indoors and out. All told, children have lost 8 hours per week of free, unstructured, and spontaneous play over the last two decades. Researchers believe that this dramatic drop in unstructured play time is in part responsible for slowing kids’ cognitive and emotional development. Children’s capacity for self-regulation -- their ability to control their emotions and behavior and to resist impulses -- is much worse today than it was 60 years ago. In one study, today’s 5-year-olds had the self-regulation capability of a 3-year-old in the 1940s; the critical factor seems to have been not discipline, but play.

The benefits of play are great -- more far-reaching than just helping kids blow off steam or get a little physical exercise. In addition to helping kids learn to selfregulate, studies show that child-led, unstructured play (with or without adults) promotes intellectual, physical, social, and emotional well-being. Unstructured play helps children learn how to work in groups, to share, to negotiate, to resolve conflicts, to regulate their emotions and behavior, and to speak-up for themselves.

“Neuroscientists, developmental biologists, psychologists, social scientists, and researchers from every point of the scientific compass now know that play is a profound biological process,” says Stuart Brown, a leading play researcher. Play “shapes the brain and makes animals smarter and more adaptable,” he says. It fosters empathy in kids, and lies at the very heart of creativity and innovation. And the ability to play has a profound effect on our happiness.

The good news is that while children do need time and space to “practice playing,” they know innately how to play. Grownups need to respect kids’ play as a built-in mechanism for becoming more socially intelligent, more creative -- and happier. Here are three things to keep in mind when playing with your kids:

• Let kids lead. When we find ourselves saying things like “I like the game you are playing, but why don’t you let Sally be the girl and you be the daddy?”, we are probably dominating too much. Don’t correct your kids when they are playing unless they are being unkind.

• Don’t play with your kids in ways that bore you. Spend time doing things that you enjoy (while still letting them lead). I love to rough-house with my children, but I don’t enjoy participating in their pretend play as much -- so I mostly skip doing that part to avoid sending the message that they shouldn’t like it either. It is perfectly fine for parents to back-off a little and let children play on their own or with other children, especially once they are 4 or 5 years old. Kids learn to entertain themselves this way, and to get along with other children.

• Pretend play is particularly beneficial, so make sure kids have ample time for it. Projecting personalities and having makebelieve interactions with teddies, toys, or imaginary companions is a healthy way for kids to develop the skills they need to focus their attention and get along with other children. Dramatic pretend play with two or more children stimulates social and intellectual growth, which in turn affects the child’s success in school.

The more complex the imaginative play, the better. Make sure that kids have enough time: a half hour is the minimum. Play that lasts several hours is better. Encourage kids to use symbolic props rather than prefab toys -- sticks for fairy wands and boxes for cars or houses. Older children can be encouraged to participate in drama classes and clubs. But remember: ballet camp isn’t the same as making up a dance with friends in the backyard.

So, in between athletic lessons, internships and organized sports events, consider providing unstructured “downtime” as well for yourselves and for your kids. Challenge the whole family to be free of electronics for an afternoon, or (gasp!) an entire weekend. Leave around the house for discovery such antiquated enticements as craft supplies, a croquet set, and field glasses. Strike up a conversation about something that has always puzzled you, or invite your kids to teach you a card trick. The possibilities are as endless as your imagination, and as long as a midsummer day and night…

By: Dahlia Nassar