I’m gonna give it to you straight: A marriage (especially a young marriage) made up of two ego-driven individuals will not make it. Just won’t. Even a marriage with one ego-driven individual is going to have considerable issues. You know why? Because there will be too much introspection and consideration NOT happening.

Definition
See, let me tell you about the ego. Freud will tell you it’s the part of the psychic apparatus that experiences and reacts to the outside world and mediates between the id and the super-ego. Since he’s the father of psychoanalysis and the one who came up with the term, I’d have to say he’s right, but I have my own little definition too. Here goes: The ego is the immature part of you that is hellbent on believing you aren’t infallible. Egotism, therefore, is being in a dysfunctional state of self-focus. The ego don’t want to hear no critique (no matter how useful), and it sure ain’t interested in self-reflection! It’s like a young child who hasn’t learned to share; any attempt to teach it differently will be met with a fiery tantrum the likes of which you’ve never seen.

Purpose
So, what is a full grown adult doing with this bratty kid living inside? Even though it can be a little fire starter, the ego does have a purpose. It’s all about self-preservation. It’s selffocused, so it lets you know that you are you–real, living, existing. It reassures you that you are an actual human being experiencing this very moment. Heavy stuff, right? (Can’t take credit though. I got that from Deepak Chopra) So, in its purest form, the ego is necessary. It’s just the unchecked, hyperactive, exaggerated ego that must die.

Why it must die
If you are to be in a healthy, thriving marriage, you have to be able to step outside of yourself and take an objective stance. (Well, as close to objective as you can get.) As the popular saying goes, there are three sides to every story: your side, the other side, and the truth. Couples who are able to effectively work through their conflicts realize this. They know that their feelings, no matter how strong, don’t necessarily invalidate the other person’s point of view. The ego won’t allow you to come to that realization. The ego will have you convinced that your side is the only side and anyone who even suggests differently is crazy. If you are to be in a healthy, thriving marriage, you have to be in control of your emotions. Of course you will get angry/frustrated/ready to deliver a swift chop to the neck, but you’ve got to resist the urge to behave in a way that isn’t beneficial to your marriage. The ego makes it hard to do that. Egos are fragile, but they swear they can hang with the big dogs. They bruise so easily that they are quick to evoke emotion to look tougher than they really are. This is why people with huge egos always seem ready to fight or argue. It’s all front.

If you are to be in a healthy, thriving marriage, you have to be able to consider the other. This is almost impossible for the ego-driven person. The ego intensifies your focus on yourself so much that the idea of someone else needing respect and care can seem foreign. To the ego, it’s all about what others have done to you. You are always the victim and they are always the villains. Poor you, having to deal with all those horrible people who keep attacking you and ignoring how perfect and right you are. That’s what the ego says, and that’s how it creates burning friction in a relationship. If you are to be in a healthy, thriving marriage, you have to be humble. No one dislikes a rude, conceited braggart more than the person married to them. Real marriage is about giving with no expectation (other than to do what makes the other happy). Real marriage is about forgiving because it speeds up the transition back to happy. The ego won’t let you do that. It keeps a careful tally of everything it has done and has had done to it. It constantly expects and constantly blames. It creates a sense of imbalance and tension wherever it goes.

How to kill it
In order for the ego to die, you have to detach. Not from your spouse, but from yourself. How is that possible? By letting go of your created (projected) self and getting in touch with your real self. You have to accept that greatness and splendor isn’t self-created. It isn’t something you have to profess or assert. It’s innate, God-given, a birthright, so there is no need to reach. You also have to accept your own weakness, which is also a birthright and a part of the human identity.

How is all this cerebral-sounding stuff achieved? Awareness. Prayer. Awareness. Breathing. Awareness. Slow movement. Awareness. Knowing what you are consuming (physically and mentally), knowing what you are producing, knowing what you are allowing to influence you, control you, that starts the process of detachment. When you are able to understand that your state of being is your own and that no one can impose it upon you, you are detaching. When are able to see your own contribution in a problem and focus more on that than the other person’s (which you can’t control any), you are detaching. When you are able to understand that many of the worldly influences around you are unnecessary and actually work against true self-discovery and selfacceptance, you are detaching.
May your journey to detachment be a joyful one...

By Nadirah Angail