What happens when the newness fades and married couples are left with nothing more than themselves and the attitudes they bring into the relationship? Well, a lot happens, most of which the average couple isn’t prepared for. Because what we know is this: “The one,” the true one and only mate for us, will bring unending happiness and a fluttering heart. It will feel right because it is right. This is our guide. This is what has been pressed into our collective subconscious. This is what love songs, romantic movies and fairytales are made of, and we believe it—so much so that we shutter at the idea of a relationship that doesn’t feel good. It is fine, we conclude, if we are made to face short, tolerable amounts of anger and frustration promptly followed by passionate kisses and long embraces. That, we can handle. But to be trapped in a long stretch of hurt feelings, lost connection and sadness is unthinkable. Not only that, but it is a sign that we have chosen incorrectly. These are the thoughts and assumptions that lead to divorce.

What young couples need to understand (and older couples have usually already figured out) is that the path of marriage, any marriage, will inevitably lead you into some dark places. But that’s ok because there are always smoother trails ahead if you are willing to carry on. And assuming you married a good-hearted person who isn’t spiteful and isn’t dangerous or blatantly disrespectful, there is a reason to carry on. But how can we, you ask, while in a perpetual state of chaos, when our patience is thin and our tears and nearly depleted? Answer: surrender. When we fight the growing pains of marriage, we make the experience harder than it has to be. Sometimes you have to be willing to say, “I don’t like him, he doesn’t like me, and that’s where we are right now.” Period. No explanation, no dramatization, no frantic search for a cure.

Just detach yourself from the feeling and accept that the space you are in isn’t a sign of doom and gloom. It doesn’t mean your marriage has run its course. It means the two of you have grown and changed and require something different (not someone different) to make things work again. That “something different” will come, perhaps in the form of marital counseling, but for now, busy yourself with the task of accepting where you are. It’s hard—you have decades of indoctrination to fight against—but the result is well worth the work. Once you put down your guard and stop fighting the wind, you’ll be surprised at how effortlessly it can carry you.

To be clear, I am not now nor would I ever support the maintenance of an unhealthy marriages, but I want to stress how important it is to adopt a marriage mindset that has room for the rough patches we all face. Just as we are prepared to experience happiness, hope and relief, we accept, too, that sadness, anxiety, frustration and anger are part and parcel of the human experience. Therefore, we accept these feelings and don’t draw any conclusions about ourselves based on them. We should have a similar approach to marriage.

As unromantic as it sounds, it won’t always be fun. The sooner we realize that, the better.

By: Nadirah Angail